COMMENTS:
What was the name of that Gilda Radner skit where she's a little girl ranting and jumping all over her bedroom?
I love that sketch with Chris Farley where he plays a WAY over-the-top motivational speaker, then falls on the coffee table and crushes it.
But your first choice is good too:
"Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury... I'm just a caveman. Your world frightens and confuses me. Sometimes the honking horns of your traffic make me want to get out of my BMW.. and run off into the hills, or wherever.. Sometimes when I get a message on my fax machine, I wonder: "Did little demons get inside and type it?" I don't know! My primitive mind can't grasp these concepts. But there is one thing I DO know - that my client is entitled to no less than two million dollars in compensatory damages, and two million dollars in punitive damages. Thank you."
Bob: Is this great or what?
Doug: I feel a little self-conscious, Bob. I mean, I've never been to a nude beach before.
Bob: Aw, listen, Doug, you don't have to worry about that here. The people at this club, they're not hung up about that kind of thing. That's what's great about it, everyone's just here to relax.
Doug: Really?
Bob: Yeah, yeah. Believe me, in a few minutes, you'll forget all about it. C'mon, I'll introduce you to some of the guys.
Doug: Okay...thanks, Bob.
Bob: Hey guys!
Jack: Hey, Bob! Hey, your penis looks great today.
Bob: Thanks, Jack. Yours too.
Ted: Hey, Bob.
Bob: Hey, Ted. How's your penis?
Ted: Not bad.
Bob: Good. Hey, I'd like you guys to meet Doug.
Jack: Hey, Doug.
Doug: Hey, guys.
Jack: Hey, pretty small penis there, Doug.
Doug: Huh?
Ted: Yeah. You could pick a lock with that penis.
Jack: Hey, that's okay. There's plenty of guys around here with small penises. Bill's got one. Hey, Bill - come on over here and show him your penis! Bill, this is Doug.
Bill: Hey, Doug.
Doug: Hey, Bill.
Bill: So I guess you have a pretty small penis.
Doug: Yeah, I guess so.
Bill: Well, that's okay. I hear it really doesn't matter to women.
Doug: Yeah, I read that.
Jack: Okay you two, enough small penis talk.
Ted: Hey, guys, wanna see my pictures from Barbados?
All: Yeah, sure.
Ted: Okay. That's me with some friends on a catamaran.
Jack: Penis looks great.
Ted: Thanks. Here's me, playing tennis with my father.
Bob: Hey, you've really got your dad's penis.
Ted: Yeah. By the way, Jack, what have you done with your penis? It looks super!
Jack: Oh, I go to this place on Long Island. They do great work.
Ted: Wow. You got the address?
Jack: Sure.
Ted: Great. I'll write it on my penis so I won't forget.
Bill: So, Doug, where are you from?
Doug: Montpelier, Vermont.
Jack: Oooh...cold up there. Must be tough on the penis.
Bob: Bill, you're from Denver, right?
Bill: Yeah...
Ted: Good penis town.
Woman #1: Hey, everybody!
Jack: Hey girls!
Woman #2: Hey, who's the new guy with the penis?
Bob: Oh, that's Doug.
Woman #1: Hey Doug.
Doug: Hi.
Woman #2: Hey, pretty small penis.
Doug: Yeah.
Woman #1: That's okay.
Doug: Hey, thanks.
Woman #2: Hey, Dave just made a great sand penis sculpture. You should come and see it before the tide comes in.
Woman #1: Yeah, it's got testicles and everything!
Ted: Great. We'll check it out.
Bill: See, Doug, you had nothing to worry about.
Doug: Yeah, I guess not.
Jack: Hey, who wants to sing the club anthem?
All: Yeah!
Bob: Okay, I'll start:
"I once had a penis sing to me
His Penis Penis song
And when that Penis Penis sang
Here was the Penis's song
He'd sing me..."
All: "Penis, penis, penis, penis
Penis, penis song.
Penis, penis, penis, penis
Penis all day long.
Penis, penis, penis, penis..."
Jack: Hi, I'm Kevin Nealon. What you just saw was an attempt to make an important point - that wherever you go, no matter how you look on the outside, we're all pretty much the same. You know, when the Standards Department was dissolved here at NBC, we welcomed it as an opportunity to deal with issues like these in a frank way. And to be honest, we're a little disheartened by the snickering we heard during this presentation. It kind of makes us wonder if there's room for serious discussion of these subjects on television. So to those of you who missed the point - grow up. Really.
All: "Penis, penis, penis, penis
Penis all day long.."
This one might be before your eras- who am I kidding? Whatever, it was the original cast, Garrett Morris, Gilda Radner, Dan Ackroyd and Chevy Chase, out on a camping trip, and the White campers start making all sorts of neo-racist remarks, while Morris squirms. At the end, when he's asked for his opinion, he picks up a guitar and begins strumming, saying that he can best express it in a song. "Wellllll, I'm gon' git me a shotgun, shoot all the Whiteys I see..." Classic.
Yeah...long live Chris Farley...oh s***, you mean he's DEAD?! Damn it!
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